[Breakfast: Yogurt Honey-Peanut Balance Bar]

I was first going to write about how gay "Vitals" magazine is, now that I’ve had a chance to read the whole thing. There’s no question that it’s only geared towards gay men. That said, it’s a pretty cool magazine though it doesn’t have any substance. One would think that gay men only like pretty, shiny, and expensive things.

The fact is, that if you talk about anal sex or use the words fag, homosexual, or gay often enough, then you are in the closet. Don’t even try to deny it. You’re fucking gay. The kings of this genre are South Park’s and now Team America: World Police's own Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Oh, they’re not gay, they just like to push the limits, you are thinking. Exhibit A—gay snuff film reference--Kenny dies on every episode of "South Park". Also, the main characters on "South Park" are never interested in girls. Some episode titles: "Cartman gets an Anal Probe," "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride," and South Park is Gay. And what's up with their 1999 DVD titled: "Southpark: Bigger, Longer and Uncut"--hello beyond gay porno reference! Enough about "South Park". I haven’t watched it recently, but I’m sure there are plenty of other examples-- there’s something gay about that Chef character, too.

After watching "Team America: World Police," (which I thought was fucking brilliant) I realized that I was completely ignorant not to realize that Parker and Stone were flaming homosexuals. In "Team America," the puppets were based on a popular British marionette show from the ‘60s called Thunderbirds. All the main characters on that show were gay and there was even the requisite fag hag. While waiting for an assignment, they liked to lounge around drinking cocktails and being men of leisure in pretty clothes with perfect hair and hard bodies just like "Team America"!

My uber British friend, Toby, also reminded me (actually, I hadn’t heard of it) that Peter Jackson’s film, Meet the Feebles used insanely depraved puppet characters that make "Team America" look tame. We all know that gays are kinky, non-conformists that push the boundaries of society ergo Parker and Stone. These guys also make fun of action movies in "Team America"—we all know that gays hate action films unless they are leather daddies (Trey and Matt are way femme). Also, only gay men would write musicals!

"Team America" makes fun of actors such as Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin. Stone and Parker were obviously secretly hoping that they’d run into the actors in the future at some boring Hollywood party, and that at least the actors would yell at them, which would get them hard, and they could run off and masturbate. (Plus, they would have a great visual for future self-pleasuring activities). Sean Penn already wrote them a letter protesting the way that he was portrayed in the film. I’m sure they have the letter taped to a poster of him in their Santa Monica (?) production offices. That would be so fucking gay!

Maybe you still think that these satirists are really just saying that the rest of Hollywood is obsessed with anal sex, homosexuals, AIDS and fruity things like peace. Maybe they are making fun of all the actors and homo studio execs that make gay heterosexual films. Maybe they are just right-wingers who want to make both liberals and conservatives sick to their stomachs. Nah, serious conservatives couldn’t mention fucking, pussies, dicks and assholes so much in one movie. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are definitely gay.

Nomad writes:

"Parker and Stone gay? Ms. Stone, I got the gaydar repairman on line one. Rupert Everett is on line two. For someone who is in the middle of it all, I can't see how you just discovered this- Muchas Amores, Maldita."

Tiffany writes:

"Yeah, yeah. I never thought about it before. I've watched a handful of episodes of South Park. Anyway, it makes sense because gay men are often way funnier than straight men."