I was counting down the days until the Golden Globes, the day that I’d be able to take another jab at The Bitchiest Queen in the World, Isaac Mizrahi. This Queen made Kathy Griffin’s past red carpet antics look tame. DK said, "If I were the head of E! I’d fire him." Isaac the Boring and Unfunny Bitch resorted to sexually assaulting women when his standard boring questions: "What’s in your purse?" "Who are you dating?" and "How long did it take you to get ready tonight?" were even putting him to sleep. (BTW: what’s up with Isaac’s hair? Is it a wig?) Isaac started his actress assault with Teri Hatcher who he first groomed by touching her stomach (women hate that) then proceeded to look down her chest "to see if she was hiding her acceptance speech there". After that, while Teri was trying to recover (If Teri was a little prescription medded out before that, she was sober now), Isaac groped her ass. Teri didn’t find any of this amusing. Nor did Scarlett Johansson when he squeezed her breast. Yes, her breasts did look ridiculous pushed up to her neck yet again—Scarlett, please fire your stylist—but that was no excuse Isaac Mizrahi, to act like a lecherous old man. Oh, I almost forgot, when Scarlett explained that she'd been acting for 13 years, Issac was all, "Oh, you're like 28, right?" To which Scarlett took a stunned step back and informed Isaac that she was in fact 21 and had been acting since the age of 8.

Isaac couldn’t let Eva Longoria out of his sight without first asking about "how she was groomed down there". The only actors who were able to brilliantly stand up to Isaac were Keira Knightley, Queen Latifah, and George Clooney—I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them. Isaac even bitch slapped Hilary Swank with: "Do you dress differently now that you’re single?" Hilary was like, "Uh, I’m not single. I’m trying to work my marriage out." (DK shouted out "Isaac, S.T.F.U. you penis!") At least Hilary said a swift buh-bye after the incident, unlike other fellow thespians like Zack Braff who stood in place, left shocked and frowning after being slaughtered—Isaac called him fat. William H. Macy punched back at Issac by telling him to "grow up" (x 2) after Isaac Mizrahi kept on asking him if all of Felicity Huffman’s hair was hers. (Yep, Isaac has hair envy, he must wear a wig). Isaac still retains his title as the Queeniest Bitch from Hell.

Debbie Hippopotamus "I Only Got This Job Because I Blew the President of E! Right After Isaac Did," said to Ryan Seacrest that "Isaac can get away with that shit because he is gay, unlike a straight man like you, Ry." Ryan did deserve an honorary Golden Globe for Best Heterosexual Male Performance of the year. Even DK was like, "I don’t think that he’s gay." Debbie "I Really am so Much More Beautiful Than any Actress Here" tried to act like a gossip reporter by saying that Nicollette Sheridan was definitely not coming to the Golden Globes—she was the only Desperate Housewife who wasn’t nominated. But Deb was proven wrong when Nicollette Sheridan did show up with Michael Bolton. Deb also said something about Teri Hatcher and George Clooney having dinner together before the Golden Globes, but that’s definitely wrong because Teri doesn’t eat.

Ryan Seacrest was boring, but Giuliana DePandi didn’t disappoint with her fanatical gushing over "The Piv" and George Clooney. In fact, Giuliana had a Bedazzled compact that said "Mrs. George Clooney" on it. She actually showed this compact to Paul Giamatti and David Strathairn who were like, "Who is this nobody and why is she making this interview about her and not me?" Anyway, if Giuliana did get to talk to any of her future husbands, it wasn’t shown on camera. There was also no love lost between Giuliana and Debbie Matenopoulos "I Look Like a Prettier Version of Debbie Gibson." If they would’ve had a cat fight, maybe that would have spiced up their coverage and they could’ve competed better with The Queeniest Bitch from Hell.

Coming up Later: Golden Globe Fashion and Other Critiques

Previously:

Golden Globes Fuglicity
Ryan Seacrest aka The Puppet
Isaac--The Queenie Bitch From Hell
Notes on The Emmys and E!'s pre-show, etc.