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You’re so Vain; I bet you Think This Post is about you.

Part of: Drew Barrymore , Paris Hilton

Breakfast: pumpkin pie with fancy whipped cream

Some girls and boys, no doubt, spend hours of their childhood finding out their best angles or looks in the mirror, in case any modeling scout *discovers* them. This is normal, and most of these girls and boys outgrow the mirror syndrome. If not, in later years they are described with a sprinkling of adjectives like, “vain” “self-obsessed” and “narcissistic.”

The worst mirror offender I can think of is Ms. Paris Hilton. Sometimes I watch Celebrities Uncensored on MTV. Paris is the only famous person who is always nice to the paparazzi and consistently gives them a good show. Even always-on-Drew Barrymore doesn’t have as good of a track record.

One night (on CU), Paris shimmied her way into one of her poses next to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunny posse. It wasn’t like they were talking, and then a photographer decided to take a picture. Paris literally dove into the shot, then struck her pose-- sticking out her ass, jutting her chest forward and flipping her hair back. Next she contorted her face into her exaggerated (think child posing in front of mirror) no-smile pout.

Another time, Paris slinked next to a Boy Star (I only consider people in the caliber of David Bowie and Mick Jagger to be Rock Stars)and made out with him. Again, it was all about the photo op. I guess being famous for nothing and not having much brainpower makes one intrinsically insecure, since it’s all about maintaining It Girl status. I’ve noticed that most women deemed It Girls don’t have jobs.

I always hear about how Paris is a runway model. I finally saw her on FashionTrance, the other night. Paris was the one out of place looking model. She had her fake-and-bake tan, blinding blonde hair and red lipstick on. Not only did she look very 80’s, but I have never seen a runway model so full of herself.

Paris must seriously think she’s the hottest girl in the world—-that was the extent of her smugness and confidence. The techno music should have faded out into Right Said Fred’s “I’m a model/ and you know what I mean/on the catwalk/on the catwalk.” Now that would have been funny.

It’s tres boring to be that contrived and not be able to laugh at yourself.

That was what really hit me—-how contrived Paris’ celebrity is. Even on the Oprah show, Paris was constantly re-adjusting herself so her best sides and maximum lip pout would be on display. This was made more painfully obvious because she was sitting next to her normal sister, Nicky. Paris’ need for attention and fame is so desperate, that I actually feel sorry for her.

Paris has no class. She is the poster child for the Nouveau Riche. Old money folks must have endless discussions with their children about how they should behave the opposite of Paris Hilton, “If someone ever takes a picture of you without your underwear on, in a skirt that doesn’t cover your private parts, I will disown you.”

Yes, Paris Hilton is overexposed-- in case you were wondering. Paris probably leaked the sex tape of herself so the world would know exactly how good she is at angling her body in bed AND show that if she really wanted to, she could also be a Porn Star.

My advice to Paris:

1 .Chill out
2. Smoke a joint instead of drinking and doing coke
3. Try and act natural for the camera (it’s good practice for acting.)
4. Don’t look at yourself in the mirror for 24 hours.
5. Hire a new publicist and fire yourself.
6. Stay home for a month to build some intrigue.
7. Keep your mouth shut so people don’t find out how dumb you are.
8. Smile instead of pouting. (I know you’ll get more wrinkles, but it will help your image.)
9. Appear a tad less slutty
10. Only do print modeling

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