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« Bondage Bound | Home | Faster Dust Bunny! Kill! Kill! Kill! »

Letters To Have Sex To

Part of: Literati , Random

*Updated*

(Yes, I purposefully ended that with a preposition.)

[Breakfast: a jelly donut and coffee]

OK, I finished moving today and am beyond exhausted. I also still have to go through some boxes at the new place and at my storage unit for the next couple of days to really consolidate everything. I hate having stuff. The good news is that I will start posting more frequently this week. I haven't posted any letters in a while. This first letter comes from JeF Kearns--odd considering that I just finished watching "Runaway Jury" (worth a rental) 15 minutes ago. If only this Jeff Kearns was John Cusack, sigh.

"Hi. I was just looking at your entry on Alicia Silverstone ... I was just wondering what B.M. stands for-'That’s why she’s svelte, has bright eyes, clear skin, thick hair and a B.M. three times a day'- JeF Kearns"

B.M.= bowel movement.

"Great blog--very entertaining. your FAQs are missing a key one though - landing strip or completely shaven?-R. Banks"

Yes, I'm sure you would like to know--only my waxer and my boyfriend have that privileged info.

"Is Michael Sonnenschein at Mediabistro FishbowlLA your boyfriend? He writes about you a lot."-Your Future Boyfriend"

No, DK is my boyfriend. P.S. I don't think you're my future boyfriend, because DK and I are very serious.

"Stumbled across your website while doing a curiosity search on an old ex, Gary Gulman (want dish? I could give it to you.) How cool! Is this your own personal thing? You're clearly a good writer. Breezy style. Helen Fielding-esque. (Obviously.) I'm a screenwriter myself, so I appreciate literacy. Are you seriously working on a screenplay?- G.G. Ex"

Sure, I'd love to know the dirt on Gary Gulman--for my eyes only. I am working seriously on a novel that will be published in the near future.

"Your blog is entertaining and well written. Although I don't always agree with your opinions (Owen Wilson has been my favorite actor since Bottle Rocket) I think you are talented and funny. I believe that talent should always be rewarded and that is why I wanted to donate even a small amount towards your blog. I am in Santa Monica a lot and I think you capture the vibe well. I also am addicted to breakfast cafes and breakfast food in general, fancy gourmet omelets in specific. So I enjoy your breakfast commentary. Good luck reading those scripts, and keep writing great observations and witty views--Flying Waitress"

You rock. I really appreciate donations and I get like 3 a year, so that's really kind and sweet of you.

"I'm probably in the minority, but I like the celebrity gossip. I'm sure it's a drag for you to mention it in your blog, but I get a kick out of it. Hopefully, you will continue your celebrity musings from time to time. I went back to LACo for Easter and I had a chance to visit Literati in Brentwood (You referenced the place last year). I liked it. Got to write a short story without being rushed out. It was very San Francisco in that respect. Thanks for the breakfast tip, even though it was really far from my parents place. But it was worth the trip. Maybe you know... Living in SF, I know of many places that offer free wireless Internet. But, when I go down south, I can't find any. Do you know of any cafe's, restaurants that offer free Internet? I just refuse to pay for the Internet at Starbucks. It's bad enough I'm paying more than 3 bucks for a chai. I didn't check to see if Literati had Internet access. I didn't take my computer in.Thanks and happy first quarter of the year--Carlos."

Thanks for the props. I'll have to think about the wireless thing and get back to you. I've been seeing a lot more places advertising it, but can't remember where. One place I can think of that I like is Infuzion Cafe on 3rd Street and Wilshire right by the Promenade. They also have great chais! Where do your parents live? Maybe I can think of a place on that side of town.

"Je suis Bouchta le manager a DJ MOUSS (RnB STORY , FG DJ RADIO , MANRAY , LE QUEEN , Champion du Monde ITF & DMC etc...) Je vous joins la plaquette de notre artiste en espérant avoir une coolaboration avec vous très prochainement...Bonne réception Bouchta--Manager DJ MOUSS"

C'est bon d'accord.

"I don't remember how I found your blog, but your list of restaurants sounded interested. I just recently moved out to the westside (culver city actually) from downtown and was looking for good places to eat. I wanted to try out Lucy's tonight, but I couldn't find it on Citysearch.com or Yahoo Yellow Pages. I'm not sure where the 99 cent store is in Venice, so do you think you can help me? What is the major cross street? Thanks. P.S.Thanks for the info. You dont happen of know of a good Indian place in the westside?--SZ

Sorry, Lucy's is really Cora's Mexican Restaurant (12803 Washington Blvd. by the 99 cent store). Yes, Gate of India on 2nd St. and Santa Monica blvd.

"Hi, I just wanted to say that i love your blog, even when you're writing about Hollywood gossip. (i'm from switzerland and if i'm lucky i'll move to California this october for one year, so excuse my bad english). thanks for every minute where your blog is making me laugh :-) best regards, valentin

Thanks for the nice e-mail. Your English is perfect. Hope you make it out to California!

"Hey, Tiffany, if you happen to find out just what it is that '2 colgaos' means you should post it. Yes, I'm Latino but not THAT Latino...so I have no clue what it means. Thanks ;)--Pepito Smith"

I think it means dude.

"Hello there, thanks for posting my last email message. Very cool. Anyway I've been wondering...what's your real name? I heard it was Jennifer. Don't worry I won't tell anyone--Pepito Smith"

hahahaha...why would I use a pseudonym? That wouldn't help my writing career. Jennifer? I don't even like that name! There's no point in having a pseudonym unless it's obviously fake like 'Pepito Smith.'

"I came across your site while looking for how much people get paid to read scripts. A producer I know hinted that he may have some work for me in that line, but not being in the business, I am worried he might try to screw me over. Got any ballpark figures?--Ezra"

If you have zero experience and the producer is an acquaintance, I wouldn't take less than $45 a script. If you are friends with this producer and/or are connected in the industry, don't take less than $50. If you have a lot of experience with books and/or scripts and relevant classes and are connected, ask for over $60. It also depends on how fast you have to read the script. For overnights charge a minimum of $15 more--charge more for scripts over 130 pages and for books. Also, find out if he wants full coverage--if he doesn't, you might want to be more lenient with your rates, but maybe not. I personally never read a script for less than $45 bucks at any point.

"Okay so I just lied to my boss and told him I had loads of experience covering scripts when in reality I covered a sitcom script once as part of my attempt to get into some program at a studio a few years back. He said he doesn't want full coverage of this feature script he just handed me - just the basics and my opinion. I'm gonna venture out on a limb here and assume I just need to stick to the facts for the basics and give my opinion without being overly verbose and I'll be a-okay. I'm sure u are laughing ur ass off at me for my complete and utter lack of knowledge on this-- A Friend"

Don't stress...it's really not a big deal. you're an intelligent person--that's all that matters. Remember that doing coverage is like a book report. First you have the synopsis, then the comments section. In the "comments" section you comment about the character development, dialogue (realistic or stilted) and story (plot, structure, 3 acts--roughly after 30 pages is the first act, 60 pages the second and 90 the third.) It's also good to mention movies that the script is similar to in a good or bad way. Of course, telling your boss about the screenplay will be much easier. Just make notes while reading the script (I write on the pages and dog ear them) or after. Then, if you want, have a paper with specific notes or words to jog your memory on what you want to say to him. Let me know if you want me to send you some coverage, but you'll do fine!!!

"Hey, my name is Tiffany, living over in the states. Got a question. I know you talk about how all these celebs do diets, that they really shouldn't and blah blah. Unfortunatley, I'm not rich and famous like them. Do you have any good tips on dieting? Like what to eat and stuff like that. I excercise, but it seems like no matter what I do, just can't get that flat stomach...I don't really know who you are lol, just was trying to find info on diets and your site popped up. W/B if you have any tips."

My friend has been doing The South Beach Diet and has lost around 14 pounds in a month (he's only lifting weights 2x a week--if he was doing cardio he would've lost a lot more). That diet is written by a heart doctor in Miami. yoga is good for toning the stomach, because if you're doing it right, every move is done from your stomach. Pilates is great. When I walk for exercise, I pay attention to my stomach muscles and that helps. Of course u need to eat a good/healthy diet for these results to show. Also, if u don't drink a lot of water u can get bloated. Make sure u get enough fiber to fight bloat, too. hope that helps.

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