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« Pussy Whipped- A Vagina Monologue | Home | What Goes Around Comes Around »

Rachael Does London

Part of: Guest Bloggers , Travel

[Rachael’s Breakfast: Toast and tea. Welcome to England.]

Your hostess, the extra foxy Miss Tiffany (grrrr!) very sweetly asked if I would write a entry as a guest blogger, so here I am, to share with you fab readers some hair curling stories from our past. Actually, on second thought, I’d better not. Heaven knows what ends up in cyberspace can stay there for eternity…

Anywho, I’m here in Merry Old, relaxing, pickling my liver and having an overall fantabulous time. The weather is unreal, (someone really needs to do something about the CHILL in these parts) and the people are outstandingly British (shocking, I realize), chic and fab, gracious and adorable, feisty and hysterically funny and dedicated to having a good time, (in a very restrained manner) which of course, I am all for.

So here is some vital info in case you too want to escape LA and spend a few months contemplating castles and pheasants. (Which are SO pretty, and absolutely everywhere. Castles AND pheasants) and losing your base tan.

It’s not all about polo matches (which, turns out, are excellent good fun) and cheese rolling here. Oh no. There is also a national fixation with a woman named Jordan [BAT note: only click on this link if you don't mind seeing fake breasts] who is famous for (as the chatty woman in the market told me today) having a spectacular rack, (My guess is it’s about a double D) giving birth to a soccer players kid and then marrying a D-list celebrity, while pregnant with her second child and hanging out with her best friend/the woman who claimed to have an affair with David Beckham (he is a hot looking soccer star. I know, I know, they call it football.)

From a friend of mine:

Jordan's breasts are way, way, way bigger than a double-D. They're off the charts. I saw her at the London Book Fair last year and I almost fell over--she was promoting her "book" and she was (as ever) super-tan and TINY. I didn't know she was so small! Her boyfriend is called Peter Andre and they met on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! (I think). Her real name is Katie Price--Jordan is just her alter ego. She has a blind baby with an ex. Jordan's breasts have been enhanced and reduced about 7 times. She started out flat chested.

Jordan is not yet 25. Bravo Jordan, you are officially nothing special in LA.

They are outrageously pissed (shown by, well, calmly explaining it) that an American billionaire bought one of their soccer teams.

Harrods department store isn’t that special. Barneys is way better.

Sloane Rangers are the English equivalent to, um, well, they are just girls with money and good taste who could be happily ensconced in LA, but seemingly prefer cold weather. Sloane Street (where the name comes from) is exactly like Rodeo drive. All the usual suspects. Dior, Chanel, Jimmy Choo. The only store there LA doesn’t have is Pucci. Sigh. It is a psychedelic kaleidoscope of fantasticness. My heart fluttered, my wallet flew out of my handbag and my credit cards burned. It was an orgasmic experience all together. I highly suggest a visit.

Kip is an impromptu nap.

Wales is a different country, but their government is in Great Britain. Scotland is a different country, and has its own government, but is part of Great Britain. They are all on the same island. Ireland is a completely different island country. Northern Ireland is part of Great Britain, but they have an interim government until they work out a powersharing government with Ireland. England is England, but also the United Kingdom, Great Britain and if you are extra old-school, Britannia.

Pudding is any kind of dessert. Pudding is called Custard.

Pubs only sell alcohol by the measure. Meaning, you can get a gin and tonic (or the extra tasty Pimms and Lemonade) but NOT a martini, since splashes and dashes don’t happen. This information almost drove me tears. Actually, just thinking about it makes me get a little misty.

The cutest British expression is “bless.” As in, bless your heart.

Excellent questions I have been asked: What is Thanksgiving? Do Americans really all live in such big houses? And, Do you know Jennifer Aniston?

To get off means to make out.

They are a nation obsessed with eating baked beans on toast, cheese and pickle (which is really a chutney) sandwiches, Indian food and fish and chips. Chips are French fries, but soggier and served with vinegar. French fries are chips they buy in fast food restaurants. Potato Chips are crisps and come in Sirloin Steak, Ham and Cheese, Balti Chicken or Prawn flavor. (among others) Mmm. Ham and Cheese potato chips. (gag.)

Chav is a white-trash hoodlum with a penchant for knock off Burberry clothes. The Burberry people must be SO happy.

Not only is London more expensive than LA or NY, but with the dollar being worth half the pound, its double the price here. Pout and sigh.

They actually use the expression fortnight. It means two weeks.

My favorite television show here has a poor couple being shown three different houses. If they can guess the price of the house within £500 they win it. Way to go.

Alrighty then! I could go on with this for ages, but I want to be asked back, so I will just say ta-ta for now. I hope you were enlightened!

Air kisses,
Rachael

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